WTF is PMDD

+ how finding out feels like it saved my life.

Long before being diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and put on medication for it, I had speculated that maybe it was more than simply PMS. Things always felt a bit more unhinged than normal for about 10 days leading up to my cycle. Almost on the dot of the 10th day countdown I could feel something shift in my body, a true dysphoric feeling to it at times, my mental health would decline, my soul would cry into an echo of nothingness. One thing to note before I go further is that if you relate, you are hardly alone in this. The more I speak out about it the more I realize how many of us struggle in silence over it because we don’t have the words to know what it is. If you relate, you are not alone. Also one thing to note is that this is my own personal experience. Each of us will have a different one, need different types of support, and have different needs. Please keep that in mind that there is no one recipe for healing.
Pulled from the internet, here are some definitions of what PMDD is :

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a mental health condition that causes severe emotional and physical symptoms during the week or two before a woman's period:

Emotional
Depression, anxiety, mood swings, irritability, feeling upset or tearful, lack of energy, hopelessness

Physical
Breast tenderness or swelling, muscle and joint pain, headaches, bloating, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns

+

PMDD is similar to premenstrual syndrome (PMS) but more serious, and its symptoms can be so extreme that they disrupt daily life and relationships. Symptoms usually go away two to three days after the start of a period, and treatment may be needed to help with them.

For a long time I thought maybe it was low-key depression. Or maybe it was psychological and that I was an ungrateful brat who could never be satisfied with what I had, who I had become or where I was going. These are questions I think we all ask ourselves regardless and this is nothing too new, but the edge that came along with it wasn’t “normal”. Some months it would be so bad I would fantasize about what it would be like to disappear. The levels of what “disappear” would mean would range. It felt like no amount of therapy, supplements, spiritual modalities, etc. could get me to shake this off. I tried what felt like everything. So many herbs, so many different types of spiritual practices, so many books.
I have to be transparent with you that now being able to look back and understand things more clearly, a lot of the deeper darker stuff would stem from the fact that I wasn’t living authentically. I was in a relationship mostly devoid of joy and pleasure, more isolated than I had been in a long time, and work was really hard. These are normal recipes for disaster but once again, the edge was different. The spiral into the darkness was deeper and much darker than the “usual”. I think there is something to be said about That Time Of the Month. I do think there is something quite magical about it being a time when truth will show its-self whether you want to see it or not. A time when your inner world is pushing out and showing you bare face that you need to make some changes. It’s up to you to listen and see if what is being shown to you is true or not though. It’s such a good time to journal and see where your head is at and what it’s telling you. Save the note for later if you’re not ready to make the big changes, but starting that conversation and opening up to that in a curious way is always a great way to begin.
The thing about PMDD is that it can also act as the angel and devil on your shoulders. In one ear it’s telling you truth and in the other it’s telling you lies. Lies that feel like truth. Durning a bad spell of PMDD, I’m usually feeling worthless, unseen, like a complete failure, like anything I do is never right or quite enough. It feels like a hungry ghost starving for as much negative self worth as possible. My life never feels like its quite right. I used to have this fucked up voice telling me: “ I don’t know how to live right”. This phrase flooded my brain telling myself that I didn’t know how to properly live in a way that was enough for what I envisioned. It’s complete bullshit. None of this is true. If you feel like you could be doing better or there are real things in life you’d like to change then face up to them. And begin, even if its just deciding to start making the shifts needed and being honest with yourself about them, that’s a start. A damn good start. Things take time. But also it’s important to recognize when that idea is completely false.
We put so much pressure on ourselves to be this THING, or that thing. We put so much weight on our shoulders on what we think we need to do to be happy. So much so that we forget to be happy because we are too busy telling ourselves why we can’t be. So much can come into play for these things, as I mentioned. Situations we are in, honestly past trauma is a big one too. But one thing I have learned is that if you have the privilege and ability to, its your choice to do something about it. You can actually make the shifts you need to be a happier healthier you. But it does come with the price of facing yourself. Because you can only change yourself first, not everything else around you.
If you’ve never heard of PMDD, look into it. See a professional if you can and see if this is something you may have. At least educate yourself on it and see if you can work on some tools to help lighten the weight. At bare minimum know you aren’t alone and try to tell figure out a way of telling that asshole bully in your head to shut the fuck up.

Things I do around that this time that can help me (sometimes it’s not enough but sometimes it is) along with some suggestions from y’all in my instagram story I did a few back.

- See a doctor if you can. When I saw mine and explained my symptoms and got diagnosed, it made me feel so much more in control of my life and understanding of my situation. I was put on a low dose of SSRI’s and it became a MASSIVE game changer for me almost instantly. I understand this isn’t the case for some but that’s what shifted it for me. I still get symptoms but this has greatly helped. All of those incredible practices I learned, herbs I take, books I read, years of different therapies - I feel like I can now properly use these as tools now that I have the right medication for my brain.
- Macua Purenes - ( I love the brand tagged here ) The dopamine bean, need I say more!? This is a game changer for me. One of the few supplements that I can see a change in when I take it. Gives me a more upbeat, energized, all around good vibe feeling. I put it in my coffee
- Liposomal Vitamin B12 + B6- I love this brand. Anything that can give me a little bit more energy around this time is my guy. Also wise to take everyday any way.
- Magnesium- I never go a day without this. This is an every day staple of mine but helps extra. It helps keep my digestion “regular” too.
- Vitamin D+K liquid - Regardless if you live in a sunny place, you’ll still need it. I like taking this liquid form because I feel like it works faster. I put it under my tongue or in a cup of water. Tasteless!
- Journal - about the good the bad the ugly. All the feelings. I like to also include vision board journaling where I write certain aspirations or goals as if they are happening and how it feels - this always tends to bring good vibes into my aura.
- Red meat and extra protein — I am not a big red meat eater but for whatever reason around this time it’s helpful. Maybe it’s hormonal, iron or what but whatever it is it helps. Get organic grass fed if you can.
- Eat more greens- The vitamins in them will help you. I promise. And you will feel better about yourself. We all know we need to be eating more of it (or at least I do.).
- Avoid booze - this is already a depressant and it messes with your stomach. I try to stay away for the few days leading up to my cycle. Not always the case, so if I partake I take note and give myself grace and understanding.
- Give yourself grace and understanding
- Minimize doom scrolling - this is REAL. Always a good idea - but not a good time to compare and despair.
- Make plans that feel like something to look forward to
- Hang out with quality friends more around this time if you can. I can be reclusive , so it’s important to see people around this time. It helps getting your mind out of your mind.
- Stay active - It can be hard to want to move but walking early in the am every day has helped my mental state in ways that I can’t even count. The air on your skin, the sun just starting to come up, and even the essence of walking by others in community helps. I try to take an evening one as well. Having a dog helps motivate me for sure.
- Making art or creating/ connecting to your purpose - This always helps me but especially around this time. I think this helps me get out of my own way and celebrate what I have to offer myself. Creating is the main thing in life that gives me purpose. So I suppose connecting to whatever that is for you can help. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment on days when I feel like I can’t do anything.
- Let yourself feel sad- Certain days I can’t get around it. And that’s okay. I try to make myself as comfortable as possible. Sometimes that means going to bed at 6 and watching Unsolved Mysteries until I fall asleep.

Feel free to reach out if you have questions, but as I mentioned, we all have a different journey to healing as we all have different needs. I hope that this helps, if anything at least helps you learn more about PMDD and how real it is for many of us! And as noted, this is simply my experience that I thought I should share since it seems that so many of us have struggled with this and not known it has a name.

- XO Gloria